Moving Forward

     I had an amazing time last night. I went on a girl date with my friend Heather to a sushi restaurant, froyo and then to Cirque Ziva. It was so much fun! I laughed like I haven't in so long. Amidst all the changes occurring in my life right now I am staying positive and trying to enjoy life as much as I possibly can and last night was just what the dr. ordered. I'm adjusting to life on my own, learning how to be the person I want to be. There have been some negatives that have come from all of these life changes, most hurtful is the amount of judgement I feel from some of those around me that are supposed to be loving and supportive of me. I am separating from my husband, this is something I have been reluctant to share, but there is no reason to hide from the truth anymore. I realize this is something that is hotly debated among Christians and it breaks my heart to be going through it. I have struggled for a long time fighting an internal battle with my convictions of faith and the brutal truth that my marriage was not healthy. There is some debate on the meaning of this passage, and I feel sure that many will disagree with me, but ultimately it has helped give me peace with my decision.

Exodus 21:7-11:

 ⁷ “If a man sells his daughter as a servant, she is not to go free as male servants do. ⁸ If she does not please the master who has selected her for himself,^[b] he must let her be redeemed. He has no right to sell her to foreigners, because he has broken faith with her. ⁹ If he selects her for his son, he must grant her the rights of a daughter. ¹⁰ If he marries another woman, he must not deprive the first one of her food, clothing and marital rights. ¹¹ If he does not provide her with these three things, she is to go free, without any payment of money.

     Some argue that in the context of the culture in which this verse was written it was commonly accepted that any marital rights afforded to a slave must also be afforded to a free woman. It also is assumed that these truths hold their validity even in the case of a singular marriage rather than a man marrying another woman. Many argue that the term "marital rights" refer to sexual relations, however other scholars argue this term encompasses much more including love, trust, etc. My marriage was lacking in a number of categories that could be considered marital rights and it was extremely damaging. I know that many will question my decision, others will outright disagree, but in my heart I believe that this is the right decision. God has given me peace, I feel His love and compassion surrounding me. Because I have this peace I have found it is very hurtful to experience some of the comments coming from those around me who in the past have been vital supports and springs of spiritual guidance. I feel as though my faith has been questioned, my integrity has come under attack, I've even been told outright that I have no reason to do this. I feel so judged and abandoned, pushed away and in the end it has caused me to withdraw from something I once held dear. I find myself angry and wanting to push back with negativity and judgemental words of my own. As I heard on the radio the other day (paraphrased) "sometimes things come out of my mouth before they have had a chance to be sanctified." I heard a verse yesterday that opened my eyes, it showed me a harsh reality and reminded me that just because I feel as though I have been mistreated and judged I have no right to turn around and do the same.

Romans 14:10-12

So where does that leave you when you criticize a brother? And where does that leave you when you condescend to a sister? I’d say it leaves you looking pretty silly—or worse. Eventually, we’re all going to end up kneeling side by side in the place of judgment, facing God. Your critical and condescending ways aren’t going to improve your position there one bit. Read it for yourself in Scripture: “As I live and breathe,” God says, “every knee will bow before me; Every tongue will tell the honest truth that I and only I am God.” So tend to your knitting. You’ve got your hands full just taking care of your own life before God.

 

Ouch. This verse really slapped me across the face. Not only do I spend a lot of time unfairly judging those I feel are judging me but I also unfairly judge those around me. Even when I feel justified in judging (for example when I myself am being judged) it is not ok. I have to turn my hurt over feeling as though I have been mistreated over to God, I have to forgive and move on, and I have to remember that only God has the final say in anything, the words of others do not make or break me.